I know a lot of people but I don’t have a lot of friends. By that i mean close friends, real friends, people you go out of your way for, feel for and want the best for when they are sad and hurting and and happy for then their lives are going good. I have a huge array of acquaintance and people i am friendly with. Especially in the business, where its hard to trust people. I have and I’m sure will again trust the wrong people. It’s part of my make up to see the good in people first and not the bad.
In sex work its hard to find kindred spirits and you long for a connection of other women who do what you do, who can understand you. I reached out to a lot, i still do. I have not always been treated well in return. I’m trying to learn from those mistakes of trusting the wrong people. It’s a hard lesson, especially hard when you want to trust people, when you’re idealistic and want the world to be a good place and not the hurtful on t really is. It will be an on going lesson i suppose i will keep learning until the end of my days.
I bring this up because i was reminded the other day of and hence deeply saddened by a friendship that has gone they way of the buffalo. No more, finito, kaput, over and out. As it turns out when i could do no more, i was of no use, i was discarded. I don’t like being reminded of this past relationship randomly in my email but i was. It’s still a sore point and makes me re-think all the relationships i have with other women in the business and on an on going basis. So I’m mad that i was used by a “friend” yes, but I’m twice as mad that as a result I now look at everyone suspiciously if they are too friendly with me. That there’s always that nagging feeling in the back of my head “what are they trying to get from me, what do they want me to do for them”I hate that i think like that now.
You can really see the differences in action when someone goes to the mat for you when they didn’t have to, when they don’t have a secret agenda or expect anything in return. When because they love you as a friend are just plain there for you when you need a friend the most. This doesn’t happen a lot for me because I’m tend to be the one going to the mat for others but it happened for me recently. A friend, a real friend went out of her way, the extra mile both in a real sense and in an emotional one to help me though a real tough time. When i was losing my shit and out on the ledge she distracted me and calmed me and the next day before the sun came up and i was lying in the dark waiting for the other shoe to drop she was the one to tell me it wasn’t going to happen. For that i will be ever grateful. Friends like that are rare… and everyone should appreciate them when they are lucky enough to have one cross their path.
I going to have to buy her brunch tomorrow, just to say thanks.