Jenny DeMilo

Focus

I woke up with a headache and frustrated. Why i don’t know. Dreams of a broken camera danced in my head all night causing me to toss and turn and wake up and will my tired body back to sleep. I have a focus problem. Not just with my photography but with my life. Isn’t that always the way. I went over my last set of film and i noticed i was unfocused more then my fair share. Are my sensors dirty or are my eyes? I have to correct this before my next scheduled shoot. Though i have a sneaking suspicion that the correction will be contact lenses or Lasik or some thing else just as paralyzing to me.

My camera focus issue is a metaphor for a life focus issue.. I’m becoming disenchanted with many aspects of my day to day life. Id love to blame this on the death of a life long friend that happened a couple of weeks ago and my refusal to deal with his demise. Or on raging hormones or how all of a sudden i emerged myself into a square job and its taking all my energy, thought and time…. but i can’t. its not them, its me.

I have a “to do” list longer then my arm to keep track of the details. I never used to have to do that. I used to remember hundreds of projects and all their minor and major details off the top of my head. Am i out of practice or have i just somehow lost the ability to keep track of things?

“You can’t depend on your judgment when your imagination is out of focus” ~~~~ Mark Twain

Maybe my imagination is out of focus, maybe that’s my real focus problem. I’m trying to be imaginative, creative and positive….. but whats happening is depression and frustration. I’m not dreaming it, nor am i being it. I’m just letting “it” happen to me… once again.

5 thoughts on “Focus

  1. Slutty McWhore

    Wow! I hope that you’re OK. This is the saddest post I’ve ever read from you – and I’ve been reading your blog for a fairly long time.

    You might be right about the depression thing. When I’m depressed and anxious, I can’t focus for shit. I’ll keep on leaving things behind or losing them completely.

    What could be making you feel like this, though? I thought everything was going well in your life?.

  2. Anonymous

    You know, you write beautifully and it is hard to write well about being unfocused…without being focused. Sort of like writing poetry without being able to pull the perfect gem word out of the dirt bucket.

    I wanted to chat with you on in the TER room but just missed you — give yourself a break, j, you are doing just fine…and all of this is a part of…I was gonna say growing older…LOL…but it’s really the warp and woof of real life. You’re allowed to be up and down a bit, and if you recognize it…that’s half the battle won.

    ~Z~

  3. Jenny DeMilo

    Hey Slutty 🙂
    I’m fine, i battle with small bouts of depression on occasion but I’m never in it for two long. I think it really is the death of my friend that’s causing me to be kinda sad.

    Everything is going well but being the overachiever that i am when things go well i worry and fret why they are not going better and everything seems just a few inches out of reach. Ive always had issues enjoying the moment.

    Elle: thanks we still don’t have any info from the coroner about this and the fam well t hey are a mess. I lose one friend a year it seems, i know a lot of dead people.

    Z: thank you, thats was real sweet of you to say and really means a lot to me.

    Per usual i forgot to sign my dumb ass out of the TER room… i wasnt ignoring you, i swear! 🙂