Having my feet in both worlds i have felt the scorn from fellow Dommes when they realize I play both sides of the fence. I have been the one who gets starred down when a Domme on a panel pontificates on how SHE’S not a prostitute in a lame attempt to shame me. Lots of Dommes don’t like to be called sex workers for the same reason a lot of strippers dont like to be called sex workers. They think it means prostitute. Which it doesn’t. Instead of embracing the term and showing the masses all the flavors of the sex worker rainbow, Dommes distance themselves when in fact so many of them engage in activities that are flat out prostitution. Fucking a man in the ass with a strap on if he pays you to do it… not a gray area.
I know many of you think this is obvious and there’s no reason for me to bring it up but its not. Dommes get arrested all the time for solicitation for exactly that activity or rather agreeing to that activity. Why? It’s prostitution and that’s illegal and the sooner this is accepted then the sooner the Pro Domme community can protect themselves and keep their rubber glad asses out of the slammer. I wish the Pro Domme community would be a little more accepting of the escort community. There is much to learn from escorts in this regards. Part of an escorts job is staying out of jail and many work to keep they whole community safe by being reference friendly and sharing info on safety. Its really become normal to work to keep others safe in the escort community. I know Dommes are alpha chicks and a lot of that energy is ” I know it all, I am supreme” but jail for breaking the law is real and if you want to avoid you being the one cuffed (and not for your pleasure) maybe think about being less judgey with the escort crowd and be a little more inclusive. If only because in the end its good for you and will help to keep you safe.
You’re a smart woman Jenny De Milo. I hate that dommes don’t want to call themselves sex workers. The internal hierarchy of sex workers is ridiculous.
LOVED this. Another fantastic post, Jenny.
*APPLAUSE*
Is prostitution illegal in the US? Then yeah, how do you distinguish between anything that involves cas?
Thanks for writing this. As a fetish provider who does mostly strap-on work, I’m very careful *not* to distance myself from escorts, despite my being “top only.” Although I don’t personally have my vagina penetrated by clients for work, that doesn’t make me “better” or higher in the sex worker hierarchy than those who do. This specific attitude among pro-dommes of dismissing strap-on sex as not real sex has annoyed me for many reasons. As a queer woman, it implies that most of what I do when I have sex with women isn’t “real sex” or that rape with a foreign object instead of a flesh penis isn’t “real rape.” Heck, in most states, getting paid to spank someone who jerks themselves off at the end of the session can be construed as sexual conduct for money. The only pro-dommes who, in most states, are totally legal are the ones who don’t do strap-on/any anal play, CBT (or any genital contact, even if for pain), any showers, tease and denial, AND don’t allow the client to touch themselves or orgasm at all during the session. Does anybody know more than a tiny number of pro-dommes who adhere to those limits?
Honestly, I’m pretty sure most pro-dommes know this! If they didn’t write things on their sites like “no sex” or “no illegal activities,” they would get questions from clients constantly about where their boundaries actually are (because het and bi male clients assume that strap-on isn’t sex because it only counts as prostitution if THEIR cock is doing the penetrating) OR clients would constantly ask “so, is what you do legal?” If they answer “no, what i do is not legal,” and the person is law enforcement, they’re acknowledging upfront that they’re not going to later be able to hide behind a defense of “we didn’t explicitly agree to exchange sex for money.” They also lose the client, who at least wants a veil of faux discretion. (As a side note, why do so many clients ask “are you discreet?”….does anybody ever answer “no”?) So even if they know that what they do isn’t legal, they hide behind whatever means they can, not dissimilar from “you are paying for my time and companionship only; this is not an offer of prostitution” among escorts. Either group still has to protect themselves however they can, knowing that statements like “no sex” or “you’re paying for my time and companionship only” do not fully protect them. And honestly, in either case, all the damage is done as soon as law enforcement decides they’re interested in arresting you, regardless of whether the sting is 100% perfect and you don’t say anything incriminating, they will arrest you and print your real name in the newspaper, which is then online for google to display in perpetuity, even if you’re acquitted!
I think the whore hierarchy thing is about using one’s vagina for work and the societal stigma (and STI risk) of being penetrated, not strictly about legality of said work. Among male-for-male sex workers, the whore hierarchy dictates that guys who only top, or at least claim to only top, are higher than bottom-y escorts, despite an absence of pretense surrounding a difference in legality of the two roles. I don’t claim to have studied this in depth enough to know how much of this is the lower relative STI risk of topping to bottoming versus other factors.
If you’re wondering why I’m writing this anonymously, it’s because I don’t want to take the risk of being targeted by law enforcement and that, if I’m arrested, it removes the plausibility of a defense based on the idea that, when an ad says “strap-on play,” it could just mean that the client admires me while I wear one, not that it includes penetrating them with it. Sounds like a funny idea, right? But that’s what the Eros Guide’s legal department told me when we were trying to adjust my ad’s wording to not be “suggestive” while still allowing me to use the words “strap-on.” As such, I apologize for hiding behind anonymity, but heartily appreciate Jenny’s writing on this topic near and dear to my heart! Thanks!
Most of the dommes that I know don’t do strap on play. This article is making it sound like all dommes do that, we don’t. Personally I think it is nasty. I never worked in a dungeon because I am a germophobe and can’t fathom using the same equipment (even if washed) on different guys, nor do I do real time because of that same reason. That’s nasty to me. I do just fine on my websites alone that I don’t need to put myself in danger of getting killed, raped or arrested. You want repsect from the Domme community and that’s great, everyone wants to be accepted and respected, but it’s hard to respect someone who puts dirty %$#@ in their holes. I mean if you enjoy getting %$#@& and used and paid, while putting your life in danger, hey more power to you but why do that when you don’t have to? I have lots of friends who do just fine online that they don’t have to subject themselves to real time. It’s called hustling…step your hustle and game up!
Thanks everyone for your comments, i really to appreciate them 🙂
To @anni yeah i’m gonna go put some dirty %&#@ in one of my various holes now… way to miss the point cupcake.
Oh @anni … I don’t have anything nice to say.
Thanks for this post. I’ve been talking about this very subject for years, especially the “hierarchy” of sex workers, specifically those who look down on others because of the services they provide. it’s always the escorts/pros at the bottom. But as someone who started out as a domme and moved on to escorting, I have to point out that (as you mentioned) a) many acts in pro-dom work are considered prostitution b) many pro-dommes dabble or move on to escort work.
We have a word for this whole “I’m better than you” attitude held by many pro-dommes, it’s called “domme disease”. Not something anybody wants to catch.